I started running
This had an effect in several ways. On the most basic level it kept me busy, it gave me something to do that was also constructive. If I'm busy running or reading about it then I'm not thinking bad thoughts. Any hobby can work on this level. The second point is that I could set myself little goals and feel a sense of achievement after completing them. Building a sense of self worth has been key to me 'getting better'. Again this could be done with different hobbies, like when I would target running 3 times a week somebody who took up painting could do that 3 times a week. Or when I set out to run hills for my stamina an artist could decide to practice their observation and sketching skills. Last of all running just feels great (to me). I love being outside, even in foul weather. I live by the coast and looking out over the sea, sensing the immense power, it just feels amazing. Also with exercise you start feeling healthier and get an endorphin boost which is a nice, natural mood enhancer.I stopped worrying
Ok, so it's not that simple and I haven't stopped worrying completely. After all it's natural to be concerned over some things. When I feel myself starting to get worried I ask myself "is this something I can change". I found a lot of the time I was worrying about things before they had happened so I start to calm myself down and think things through. The worry may well remain but I would shift it backwards, I can't deal with anything until it happens. If I'm worried about a specific outcome is there anything I can do to effect the outcome? If I'm waiting on test results all I can do is wait, if it continues to occupy my mind I go for a run or try to find another distraction. If it's something like I don't want my mum to think I don't care because I forgot to post her mothers day card (I'm ALWAYS forgetting to post cards in time!) then I can do something, I pick up the phone and tell her I care.I appreciate even the smallest progress
If I cut my grass I feel proud of myself. Why? Because there was a time I was too scared to go out of the house to do it for fear of people seeing and judging me. I still get anxious about it but I put that to the back of my mind and do it because it needs to be done. Afterwards I congratulate myself for doing something that in the past I couldn't. That's me 1 up on depression! Even things like walking upright and looking around rather than slouched looking at me feet is a win for me. For a long time I thought it was pathetic that something so small could be a win. I SHOULD be able to do it anyway. I was a loser for not doing it. But that was a glass half empty mindset (or worse). A positive is always a positive, no matter what level it comes from and these little wins can lead to bigger victories over time.I faced my fears/worries
I worry about a lot of things and for years if I was worried about situations I would just avoid them, that way they couldn't hurt me. What I failed to realise was they were still hurting me by stopping me doing things. Now I try to face them and do what I want to do. Again it started small. I used to never close the front door until I had checked I had my keys about 3 times even though I knew I had just picked them up so I started to force myself not to check. When I wash up I sort the cutlery into knifes/forks/spoons in the drying rack so I can put them away easier. It would just feel wrong to have them muddled up. So I would start to leave them muddled. Starting to disprove these minor irrational thoughts (ok, there was some basis of rationality in these examples but how panicked I was getting from them was definitely not right) helped me face bigger ones. The classic of walking down a street and hearing people laugh and assuming they were laughing at me. It would make me feel terrible and often started a panic attack, I would avoid the main streets as much as possible to limit how many people I would see. I knew it wasn't really people laughing at me but it still felt like it. Well now I walk down the street more, I still get those worries but most of the time it doesn't effect me as badly, I know my brain is being irrational so I can carry on doing what I want/need to do. I'm still not great in crowds or around new people but I am getting better. I'm still working forward on the whole social front.Now I'm not saying any of this is easy but it can be done with a lot of effort and time. Patience is a great virtue when dealing with this type of stuff. One other point I want to raise is that there were periods in my life I was incapable of doing this. I think there's a sort of base level where a person needs to be at where they can consciously choose to make a difference in their own life's. Sometimes it takes all our effort just to survive and we have nothing left to give in improving ourselves. It's easy for others to judge and tell you to 'just get on with it' or 'pull your finger out' but only you know when you are ready to make the difference.
If people want to leave any comments about what I've wrote or indeed about their own experiences and little 'wins' or changes that have helped them that would be great.
Many thanks,
Jon
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