So after a busy start to the blog I haven't posted for a while. I've been pretty busy lately but the truth is I've been on a downer. I had been helping other people through this blog and so I was hesitant to post negativity. That's my good old friend anxiety kicking in and making me worry when I shouldn't. A fair bit of over thinking going on too. I kind of forgot that the people reading this are supportive rather than judgmental, but so what if they are judging me? The narrow minded judgers of this world aren't worth my time to worry about. That's the truth but not always so easy to overcome the anxiety worries.
Oh, I just want to apologise for any trouble in spellings, grammar or my writing in general. I'm sending this from my phone and its a little after 1am.
So my sleeping is getting worse again. I had about 6 weeks where I was getting 9+ hours of sleep a night and only waking 2 or 3 times. Now though I'm lucky to get 6 hours and will wake up 5 or 6 times most nights. I struggle with it, especially getting up in the mornings but my doc isn't too worried unless I'm down below 4 hours regularly. I've tried sleeping tablets a couple times to try and get me in to a better sleeping pattern but they never seemed to make a difference. I'm sure its all connected to my stress levels.
My stress, anxiety and general frustrations have been building up again lately. It's all from 'normal' worries rather than any of the more imaginative depression worries which is a positive. Things are increased as it's all getting bottled up inside. I was talking with a close friend for a while that really helped but due to various things that had to stop. Now all I'm really left with is my private blog. It's not this one, its one only I see and I use it to talk and think through personal issues and get out any of my frustrations without hurting anyone close to me. It's hard to explain to people but some of the stuff that goes through my mind can be pretty horrible and hurtful. It feels strong but it isn't always what I really think so I need to get it out of my system. Once its out then it often goes away or at least its strength lessens. If I talked to people too close I could scare or hurt them so that leaves me with my private blog. It goes some way to helping and I would recommend writing down your problems and worries but if you have anybody you can talk to, that can help far more to get a second perspective on things or just to feel a little sympathy or empathy.
If anybody who reads this blog ever needs somebody to talk to I'm always willing. You can get in touch and I'll let you know my number if you haven't already got it.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Saturday, 31 March 2012
A little inspiration
I thought I would put up some images I've come across that contain a bit of inspiration
And finally, with a little tongue in cheek
Friday, 30 March 2012
Some positive steps
After a couple down beat posts I wanted to post something that was more positive so decided to write a list of steps I've taken that have really helped me. Now I'm not saying that these are solutions for everyone in a similar position, we all suffer in a unique way and so we all heal in a unique way too. If somebody can take just one or two points of inspiration then that would be an amazing achievement. So in no particular order here we go
Now I'm not saying any of this is easy but it can be done with a lot of effort and time. Patience is a great virtue when dealing with this type of stuff. One other point I want to raise is that there were periods in my life I was incapable of doing this. I think there's a sort of base level where a person needs to be at where they can consciously choose to make a difference in their own life's. Sometimes it takes all our effort just to survive and we have nothing left to give in improving ourselves. It's easy for others to judge and tell you to 'just get on with it' or 'pull your finger out' but only you know when you are ready to make the difference.
If people want to leave any comments about what I've wrote or indeed about their own experiences and little 'wins' or changes that have helped them that would be great.
Many thanks,
Jon
I started running
This had an effect in several ways. On the most basic level it kept me busy, it gave me something to do that was also constructive. If I'm busy running or reading about it then I'm not thinking bad thoughts. Any hobby can work on this level. The second point is that I could set myself little goals and feel a sense of achievement after completing them. Building a sense of self worth has been key to me 'getting better'. Again this could be done with different hobbies, like when I would target running 3 times a week somebody who took up painting could do that 3 times a week. Or when I set out to run hills for my stamina an artist could decide to practice their observation and sketching skills. Last of all running just feels great (to me). I love being outside, even in foul weather. I live by the coast and looking out over the sea, sensing the immense power, it just feels amazing. Also with exercise you start feeling healthier and get an endorphin boost which is a nice, natural mood enhancer.I stopped worrying
Ok, so it's not that simple and I haven't stopped worrying completely. After all it's natural to be concerned over some things. When I feel myself starting to get worried I ask myself "is this something I can change". I found a lot of the time I was worrying about things before they had happened so I start to calm myself down and think things through. The worry may well remain but I would shift it backwards, I can't deal with anything until it happens. If I'm worried about a specific outcome is there anything I can do to effect the outcome? If I'm waiting on test results all I can do is wait, if it continues to occupy my mind I go for a run or try to find another distraction. If it's something like I don't want my mum to think I don't care because I forgot to post her mothers day card (I'm ALWAYS forgetting to post cards in time!) then I can do something, I pick up the phone and tell her I care.I appreciate even the smallest progress
If I cut my grass I feel proud of myself. Why? Because there was a time I was too scared to go out of the house to do it for fear of people seeing and judging me. I still get anxious about it but I put that to the back of my mind and do it because it needs to be done. Afterwards I congratulate myself for doing something that in the past I couldn't. That's me 1 up on depression! Even things like walking upright and looking around rather than slouched looking at me feet is a win for me. For a long time I thought it was pathetic that something so small could be a win. I SHOULD be able to do it anyway. I was a loser for not doing it. But that was a glass half empty mindset (or worse). A positive is always a positive, no matter what level it comes from and these little wins can lead to bigger victories over time.I faced my fears/worries
I worry about a lot of things and for years if I was worried about situations I would just avoid them, that way they couldn't hurt me. What I failed to realise was they were still hurting me by stopping me doing things. Now I try to face them and do what I want to do. Again it started small. I used to never close the front door until I had checked I had my keys about 3 times even though I knew I had just picked them up so I started to force myself not to check. When I wash up I sort the cutlery into knifes/forks/spoons in the drying rack so I can put them away easier. It would just feel wrong to have them muddled up. So I would start to leave them muddled. Starting to disprove these minor irrational thoughts (ok, there was some basis of rationality in these examples but how panicked I was getting from them was definitely not right) helped me face bigger ones. The classic of walking down a street and hearing people laugh and assuming they were laughing at me. It would make me feel terrible and often started a panic attack, I would avoid the main streets as much as possible to limit how many people I would see. I knew it wasn't really people laughing at me but it still felt like it. Well now I walk down the street more, I still get those worries but most of the time it doesn't effect me as badly, I know my brain is being irrational so I can carry on doing what I want/need to do. I'm still not great in crowds or around new people but I am getting better. I'm still working forward on the whole social front.Now I'm not saying any of this is easy but it can be done with a lot of effort and time. Patience is a great virtue when dealing with this type of stuff. One other point I want to raise is that there were periods in my life I was incapable of doing this. I think there's a sort of base level where a person needs to be at where they can consciously choose to make a difference in their own life's. Sometimes it takes all our effort just to survive and we have nothing left to give in improving ourselves. It's easy for others to judge and tell you to 'just get on with it' or 'pull your finger out' but only you know when you are ready to make the difference.
If people want to leave any comments about what I've wrote or indeed about their own experiences and little 'wins' or changes that have helped them that would be great.
Many thanks,
Jon
Thursday, 29 March 2012
The most significant event
Somehow I missed the most significant event of my life from my first post. I won't go in to detail about it now but just wanted to add it to my timeline, to give a fuller picture.
On December 18th 2009 my brother Pete died. He literally dropped dead. It took over a year for the inquest but it came in as an unknown, natural cause of death. He was 33.
Most of the family find it frustrating not to know how he died but it isn't a huge issue to me. The end result is the same, he's gone and the most important thing of all is he didn't suffer. Whatever happened it was all so quick that he didn't even reach for his phone in his pocket. Knowing he didn't suffer is huge for me.
So obviously this was a huge event for me and I suffered a lot from it, I still suffer. But there was also a positive that surprised me. I still feel bad saying it but it's the best thing that ever happened to my depression. It gave me my fight back. I felt so bad that Pete couldn't live his life and I was basically choosing not to live mine. I know it wasn't that simple, I had real problems that made life hard but I also used them as excuses. I had given up to an extent and was basically just aiming to do the bare minimum to get through each day. Pete passing made me reflect on all the things that he would never be able to do, all the dreams left unfulfilled. We never know what tomorrow will bring so why keep putting off til tomorrow what we can do today?
At the same time I was thinking about working for myself doing web design which was a hobby of mine. In fact when I traveled down for Christmas I was going to ask Pete if he wanted to help me in some way as he used to have a real passion for design. He wouldn't be able to create but I thought he would be great in a consultant type role. Obviously I never got to ask him but I did get around to setting up the business on my own. It's helped me so much and raised my self worth an untold amount. Knowing I could achieve things and people appreciated and even depended on me was just amazing.
It was a huge turning point in my life and unexpectedly it was for the better. Of course I would give anything to have Pete back but I can't. I can just make the most of what remains. It gave me my simple but powerful mantra -
Live life
On December 18th 2009 my brother Pete died. He literally dropped dead. It took over a year for the inquest but it came in as an unknown, natural cause of death. He was 33.
Most of the family find it frustrating not to know how he died but it isn't a huge issue to me. The end result is the same, he's gone and the most important thing of all is he didn't suffer. Whatever happened it was all so quick that he didn't even reach for his phone in his pocket. Knowing he didn't suffer is huge for me.
So obviously this was a huge event for me and I suffered a lot from it, I still suffer. But there was also a positive that surprised me. I still feel bad saying it but it's the best thing that ever happened to my depression. It gave me my fight back. I felt so bad that Pete couldn't live his life and I was basically choosing not to live mine. I know it wasn't that simple, I had real problems that made life hard but I also used them as excuses. I had given up to an extent and was basically just aiming to do the bare minimum to get through each day. Pete passing made me reflect on all the things that he would never be able to do, all the dreams left unfulfilled. We never know what tomorrow will bring so why keep putting off til tomorrow what we can do today?
At the same time I was thinking about working for myself doing web design which was a hobby of mine. In fact when I traveled down for Christmas I was going to ask Pete if he wanted to help me in some way as he used to have a real passion for design. He wouldn't be able to create but I thought he would be great in a consultant type role. Obviously I never got to ask him but I did get around to setting up the business on my own. It's helped me so much and raised my self worth an untold amount. Knowing I could achieve things and people appreciated and even depended on me was just amazing.
It was a huge turning point in my life and unexpectedly it was for the better. Of course I would give anything to have Pete back but I can't. I can just make the most of what remains. It gave me my simple but powerful mantra -
Live life
A (not so) brief history of my depression
Where do I start? The 'real' start in 1995 or the diagnosis in 2002. I guess it would probably be good to keep things in order, though in reality being diagnosed so late and looking back to try and analyse stuff cause a lot of trouble and confusion. My mind is a jumble and sieve like at the best of times so trying to remember details from 7, 10, 15 years ago isn't the easiest. Well here goes...
I had a happy childhood, living with my parents and 3 brothers in a small village in Devon. I was the 3rd son and enjoyed an active time. Although not much of an extrovert I was pretty outgoing and enjoyed lots of activities such as cubs, scouts, youth club and lots of team sports. Life was ticking along quite nicely until September 1995 when my brother Pete was involved in a car crash. He was 19, the 2nd child and my idol. I was a few years younger approaching my 14th birthday and just looked up to him in every way. He was popular, a really good footballer and great at graphic design and art. Then one saturday lunch time on a drive back from the local city to the village his friend who was driving lost control on some wet leaves. Details get sketchy then but they car went into a spin and collided with a car coming from the other direction. The impact was straight in to the front passenger, Pete. The paramedics never thought he would survive and he died several times but he kept fighting. He was in intensive care for a while and I later found out the doctors there had said he would be in a permanent vegative state. Again Pete fought through and went into a waking coma before coming out of it after 3 months. That then started a long road of physical and occupational therapy but he ended up with independence. Eventually he moved in to a bungalow and then a house on his own in the village (though he still got all his washing and cooking done by us or our nan!) but was left in a wheelchair. He also suffered some brain injuries, he was still as smart as ever but his memory and concentration suffered. One thing he never lost through the whole thing was his sense of humor.
So life obviously changed for all of us. Life revolved around Pete and his recovery as it had to but my parents done their best to make time for us all. Me and my younger brother still got to play football with my dad driving us to games up to 3 times a weekend! I became more withdrawn at school but I didn't particularly worry about it. People didn't know what to say to me about Pete so they said nothing at all. I understood that and just stayed with a small group of close friends.
Over the next few years life carried on. I struggled at college, started to miss days and assignments. It was put down to boredom and my teacher said I was 'gifted' but I never got my act together and ended up with no qualifications and moving in to employment. I just put it all down to 'normal' adolescent naivety and didn't think too much of it apart from be incredibly mad at myself for an opportunity missed (being mad at myself is a recurring feature through my life, sometimes deserved but mostly not).
Things continued in a similar vain until 2002 which was a big year in my life. I started working at the Inland Revenue (now HMRC) which was a secure job and seen as a decent career. I also got married and we had our first daughter Bryony. My wife had quite a difficult pregnancy and birth and was diagnosed with post natal depression. I thought it was a bit strange as all of the 'horrible and disturbing' thoughts she was having seemed normal to me. I was always thinking of things like what would happen if I stepped out in front of a bus driving by. I would imagine the scene played out in minute detail. I wouldn't want to do anything about it, I would just imagine it. At least most of the time. So off I went to talk to the doc and I was diagnosed with depression, given some drugs and sent to see a psychological nurse. At various points in my treatments I have also been diagnosed with post traumatic stress and social anxiety.
The first set of drugs I was on made me in to a zombie. I couldn't think too well and just about functioned most of the time. I went to see the psych nurse and we talked about Pete and my social issues. I seemed to get a grasp of things and was discharged. Things were good for a little while but sooner or later things got bad again and it became apparent there were more troubles and issues in my life. This became quite a cyclic affair. Seeing a psych of some sort, talking through one problem and then getting discharged only to come back again later. I don't blame the psych's for not getting deep enough, they have far too many patients and most of them in a worse state than me. If I'm not going to hurt myself or others then I drop down in priority. I also had a large tendency of having a single line of thought so once we started on one issue it became the only issue to me. I thought about it all the time and how I could beat it. Then therapy would end and other issues would creep back in. But I wasn't ready for them, I didn't know enough, I hadn't spoken about them with the psych so I would freak out and begin another downward spiral.
So that was the pattern over the next few years. Up and down all the time. In 2007 I moved to the other end of the country where my wife comes from. 430 miles away from my family and leaving my secure job at the Revenue. I thought with 5 years of office experience with a government agency and some very good points on my CV I would find a little office job without too much problem. Wrong. I applied for lots but mostly I didn't even get a reply from employers. After around 6 months of unemployment I got a job working at a local holiday park cutting grass and picking up litter. 6 days a week of physical work. I lasted around 4-5 moths before I cracked and had to go on to sickness benefit with my depression. With all the stress piled up I became a recluse, scared to leave the house, even shutting the doors and curtains to the front room and just staying there all day, in my safe place. I would hallucinate at times, had a strange continuous shaking of my arm and started to self harm.
These was probably the lowest I have ever been and things were very up and down again, I was also off and on seeing psychs for a short time before being discharged or stop going myself as I felt it was doing more harm than good. Around 2009 I started on my current medication. After the first zombie medication I had mostly stayed clear of tablets as the side effects seemed worse than the symptoms they cured. My current medication hasn't really had any side effects for me though so have been a true god send and help me out a great deal. The last psychologist I saw over 2010/11 was also the best. He wasn't able to get too deep in to things but we were a good match. He seemed to get me and I understood his methods. We never went back to look at my issues but together we built an armory of defensive measures for me to use.
I'm currently the best I have felt since before Pete's accident. I still get my low moods and bad days, especially if I miss a few tablets but on the whole I'm a lot more positive and feel more like 'me'. Whatever that means.
I think I will leave things there, this post is plenty long enough! I will write a bit more about my recovery and improved positiveness in my next post. If you have any comments or questions please add them, I'm happy to talk about anything to do with this.
Thanks for reading!
Jon
I had a happy childhood, living with my parents and 3 brothers in a small village in Devon. I was the 3rd son and enjoyed an active time. Although not much of an extrovert I was pretty outgoing and enjoyed lots of activities such as cubs, scouts, youth club and lots of team sports. Life was ticking along quite nicely until September 1995 when my brother Pete was involved in a car crash. He was 19, the 2nd child and my idol. I was a few years younger approaching my 14th birthday and just looked up to him in every way. He was popular, a really good footballer and great at graphic design and art. Then one saturday lunch time on a drive back from the local city to the village his friend who was driving lost control on some wet leaves. Details get sketchy then but they car went into a spin and collided with a car coming from the other direction. The impact was straight in to the front passenger, Pete. The paramedics never thought he would survive and he died several times but he kept fighting. He was in intensive care for a while and I later found out the doctors there had said he would be in a permanent vegative state. Again Pete fought through and went into a waking coma before coming out of it after 3 months. That then started a long road of physical and occupational therapy but he ended up with independence. Eventually he moved in to a bungalow and then a house on his own in the village (though he still got all his washing and cooking done by us or our nan!) but was left in a wheelchair. He also suffered some brain injuries, he was still as smart as ever but his memory and concentration suffered. One thing he never lost through the whole thing was his sense of humor.
So life obviously changed for all of us. Life revolved around Pete and his recovery as it had to but my parents done their best to make time for us all. Me and my younger brother still got to play football with my dad driving us to games up to 3 times a weekend! I became more withdrawn at school but I didn't particularly worry about it. People didn't know what to say to me about Pete so they said nothing at all. I understood that and just stayed with a small group of close friends.
Over the next few years life carried on. I struggled at college, started to miss days and assignments. It was put down to boredom and my teacher said I was 'gifted' but I never got my act together and ended up with no qualifications and moving in to employment. I just put it all down to 'normal' adolescent naivety and didn't think too much of it apart from be incredibly mad at myself for an opportunity missed (being mad at myself is a recurring feature through my life, sometimes deserved but mostly not).
Things continued in a similar vain until 2002 which was a big year in my life. I started working at the Inland Revenue (now HMRC) which was a secure job and seen as a decent career. I also got married and we had our first daughter Bryony. My wife had quite a difficult pregnancy and birth and was diagnosed with post natal depression. I thought it was a bit strange as all of the 'horrible and disturbing' thoughts she was having seemed normal to me. I was always thinking of things like what would happen if I stepped out in front of a bus driving by. I would imagine the scene played out in minute detail. I wouldn't want to do anything about it, I would just imagine it. At least most of the time. So off I went to talk to the doc and I was diagnosed with depression, given some drugs and sent to see a psychological nurse. At various points in my treatments I have also been diagnosed with post traumatic stress and social anxiety.
The first set of drugs I was on made me in to a zombie. I couldn't think too well and just about functioned most of the time. I went to see the psych nurse and we talked about Pete and my social issues. I seemed to get a grasp of things and was discharged. Things were good for a little while but sooner or later things got bad again and it became apparent there were more troubles and issues in my life. This became quite a cyclic affair. Seeing a psych of some sort, talking through one problem and then getting discharged only to come back again later. I don't blame the psych's for not getting deep enough, they have far too many patients and most of them in a worse state than me. If I'm not going to hurt myself or others then I drop down in priority. I also had a large tendency of having a single line of thought so once we started on one issue it became the only issue to me. I thought about it all the time and how I could beat it. Then therapy would end and other issues would creep back in. But I wasn't ready for them, I didn't know enough, I hadn't spoken about them with the psych so I would freak out and begin another downward spiral.
So that was the pattern over the next few years. Up and down all the time. In 2007 I moved to the other end of the country where my wife comes from. 430 miles away from my family and leaving my secure job at the Revenue. I thought with 5 years of office experience with a government agency and some very good points on my CV I would find a little office job without too much problem. Wrong. I applied for lots but mostly I didn't even get a reply from employers. After around 6 months of unemployment I got a job working at a local holiday park cutting grass and picking up litter. 6 days a week of physical work. I lasted around 4-5 moths before I cracked and had to go on to sickness benefit with my depression. With all the stress piled up I became a recluse, scared to leave the house, even shutting the doors and curtains to the front room and just staying there all day, in my safe place. I would hallucinate at times, had a strange continuous shaking of my arm and started to self harm.
These was probably the lowest I have ever been and things were very up and down again, I was also off and on seeing psychs for a short time before being discharged or stop going myself as I felt it was doing more harm than good. Around 2009 I started on my current medication. After the first zombie medication I had mostly stayed clear of tablets as the side effects seemed worse than the symptoms they cured. My current medication hasn't really had any side effects for me though so have been a true god send and help me out a great deal. The last psychologist I saw over 2010/11 was also the best. He wasn't able to get too deep in to things but we were a good match. He seemed to get me and I understood his methods. We never went back to look at my issues but together we built an armory of defensive measures for me to use.
I'm currently the best I have felt since before Pete's accident. I still get my low moods and bad days, especially if I miss a few tablets but on the whole I'm a lot more positive and feel more like 'me'. Whatever that means.
I think I will leave things there, this post is plenty long enough! I will write a bit more about my recovery and improved positiveness in my next post. If you have any comments or questions please add them, I'm happy to talk about anything to do with this.
Thanks for reading!
Jon
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